It's time for a change...

everyone I have ever known has their own way of doing things...when they come to a fork in a road they do different things...there are some who know where they're going and just continue on down the road...there are some that guess which path would fit them best...there are some that would just turn around and go back to where they came from...and then there's me...stuck right there in the middle of the road...basically scared to move forward and far to resistant to go back...you could compare this to many things in life....relationships, education, work, or hell! just life in general....but my thing is-I don't know what I want...I never realized until now that I was used to being told what was good for me....I mean of course there were the times when I ignored people and just did whatever the hell I wanted to...but atleast there was some input....being in college is kind of wierd because of this....the people around me haven't known me for that long...they can't tell when I'm freaking/sad/angry/straightuppissedoff!/moody/wierdedout/lonely/needmyspace/idk... and just think...that was all at once! I know I'm not always the most exciting person in the world...but atleast I can read the signs that I seriously need to think more about what I'm doing with my time....today I went to a GSA meeting (Gay-Straight-Alliance) to support my friends Bobby, Kitty, and M.....it was okay, but not something I think that I would have really done on my own....I love my friends! Understand that right now! but I'm just wondering what I'm really doing for myself right now....I've been painting a lot more often now....and I think that's how I'm getting a lot of emotions out and expressing them so that I can think straight...I'm homesick....I realize that now, because when I found out that there were no fireflys on campus for me to watch/catch I went back to my room and started a three part mural of a firefly, a dragonfly, and I don't know what to call the last panal....lol! I did this painting on the cardboard sidings that came on the mini-fridge that I bought for college....wow...but I guess it's good to laugh at yourself from time to time....it keeps things interesting atleast...I just feel...wierd...I guess....but what I need is to just be myself...I've kinda let myself get all caught up in trying to be (I guess) "too wierd" to realize that all I'm doing is forgetting the parts of me that like to take life slow and walk on the grass...that's one thing I've noticed here...you get wierd looks when you walk barefoot on your dorms lawn....hey! for what I'm paying...I should be able to roll in the stuff laughing my bum off...oh wait....I do that.....lol! but I have yet to drive on the sidewalk....it's on my "to do list"...today in walmart (or tonight I guess it would be) I noticed I probably have one of the most "unique!" tastes/preferences ever!....I notice this because the check out lady just looked at me and smiled when I told her that I came in for black ink for my printer and just had to get the some other things....she held up the movie of Sweeney Todd (to Jonathan ( I know it was you)-I guess you can keep my first copy....) and asked, "just incase?" I smiled, "I get bored...." the family behind me scooted back a few inches.....it was great! lol....that's what I like....the natural "I freak/creep you out!" part of life...so I guess the whole point to this post was just to figure out....I need to stop loosing sleep over the fact that I can only expect people to be people...and I can only accept the fact that I will be freaking wierd no matter what! which is good...because life would be to boring for everyone else....lol...I love it here!

because I can't tell this to anyone...I'll share it with everyone...

it's that time of day when everyone is awake and has something to do...has somewhere to be...has someone to talk to...I started to think of purpose and found that a lot of things are meaningless to me...the things that have absolutely no effect on the outcome of my life....but it was in this state of mind that I realize...what if I am meaningless to the people around me...what if I wouldn't be missed when I left here...what if I was only to be forgotten...that's not going to happen...I know better than that...there are so many people in my life that I have hurt and have been hurt in return...but I have never hated them...even if they grew to hate me... "I want him to love me... but if he can't love me, I want him to hate me... if he can't hate me, I want him to kill me... and if he can't kill me, then I would know he loves me..."its these thoughts that keep me here...keep me waiting for the time when I will realize that this is where I belong and are meant to stay...growing up in a small town holds many advantages to a city...thats what I've always been told...but the only thing I find comforting is that its somewhat easier to be invisible...to not be counted as a statistic...its easier to walk to the edge and slip away unnoticed by everyone around you...in a city you're counted as a group...that group making up one individual that has no controversy of complaints of being different...when you have lived in "what a hometown should be" for your entire life...it criples you...starting off you learn to reject the different and embrace the small-minded-ness...wow...thats an understatement!....being different-in anyway at all-gives everyone a chance to mock or reject you...and whats sad is-at first I wanted to belong here....I tried so hard to fit in...but in the end it didn't matter....it wouldn't matter if I DIDN"T like being different or considered a freak...I still would be...I wasn't meant to fit in...but I wasn't meant to be ignored either...I was born to stand out....(why else would I be 6' ?)...I like to think that maybe I will be the change that will open other peoples eyes to their ignorance and foolishness of letting a time-old indifference rule their lives...it used to be that whenever I tried to speak out, it seemed like no one could here me...but lately...I know I've gotten the attention of some of the people that had no clue to my existance before hand...I know people expect many things of me...and sadly, one of those things is to keep quiet and pretend to be a good little school girl who loves everything and is obedient to authority and is only here to make others feel good about the llittle bubble they all live in....well....that bubble has atlast been completely filled with a cloudyness that will only turn into a fog of a desperation to live in the past...everything is constantly changing...thats how its suppose to be...you can still have your morals and values and use the term "everyday life"...but its time to be truthfull with ourselves...everyone is different...and anyone who doesn't think so needs to get a dictionary and look up the words "individuality" and "ignorance"....I will apologize if I have personally offended you by anything I have said here...but if you are offended, you have only offended me as well...for you have once again not seen what I have been trying to express to you for the better half of my life...again...and now with one final quote-"...and I'll make a wish...take a chance...make a change...and break away..." -I leave you with the contemplations I have presented you with here today......thank you for reading... ...-Jess

I was bored so I wrote this...

Not searching, I stumble across my comfort.
Without notice, I find a hidden place of secrets.
How could this be real?
The thoughts of others come upon me swiftly,
but they pay no mind to what is hidden in open sight.
To them, I don't exist;
an insignificant wanderer who sits beneath a tree.
With pen and scraps of paper as her only companions.
But unexpectedly, I become the only one who takes the time to see them.
They can't see me (or they choose not to,)
but I all but clearly see them,
as they pass me with their backs against the sun...

lest I forget the meaning of happiness...a retake on insight...

I am the person, who thinks it is incredibly stupid to get involved with people and their problems... and yet I put myself in these situations...
How many times have I cried these pointless tears? and their only purpose, is for someone who could never return them...
To watch your reflection from a distance, hidden by the world's unruly substance...
Are you so blind as to not even see me? I watch you every single day, through reflected dreams and fading hope and even go so far as to ask if you're okay...
It was all about a love that was bigger than a lie...
Just never say goodbye...
Tell me it's okay to love again...
but as I never have before...
Tell me you can trust me...
even thought I'm ugly on the inside...
just like you...
These bright city lights, seem so far away. I know I can't go back to you, but I know I can't let you go. I want to hear you speak...if only to hear you say my name...
Of all the rights and wrongs I've done...You were the only one I loved...
What should I call this feeling...still sleeping in my undeveloped heart...I must forget the words I long to say...seasons pass while I sigh, and remember the past tears of pointless cries...
Don't think the world revolved around you. I'll make you so in love with me...that every time our lips touch, you'll die a little death...
I love you because you hate me...

That sounds bad, doesn't it?

is the universe just against me or something...?

Great news! NOT!!! well as I have said before... I am really starting to lik Kyo.... and when I'm finally able to tell myself ... "meh...maybe it's okay to like more than just a friend.... maybe it will be okay...and I WON'T GO FREAKING CRAZY!!!!!!..." -so much for that theory. If anyone wants to take a guess at was pist me off go ahead.... but I garentee you'll be wrong...well, here it goes... kyo's friend has moved back...T.T...and I have quite literally loathed him since homecoming of 8th grade year...long story but the point is-it did not end well...anyways I was bound and determined to behave myself while being around him....and try my best not to glare...whoops! oh well... anyways I am over trying to be pleasent, but whenever I try to talk to Kyo his 'friend' always steals the conversation...and I'm starting to get this depressing feeling that somehow, I'm being torn away from him...

and it just really pisses me off when I'm over here talking to him, the friend interupts and then I could have sworn that his friend said, "...well, why are you even talking to her...?" talk about stabbing someone in the heart!
and possibly the worst dpart about that... I stopped hearing what they were saying when I had overheard that...but I almost wish that I had kept listening.... and tha I had heard what Kyo had to say....whether he would defend me....or betray me..... but i guess that means i would stop having to be a coward and face the fact that- I DO like him.... and I'm not giving up without a fight.....^_^!

what's a girl to do?

so sad...this guy that I have been friends with like forever has recently moved away...let's call him Yuki, just for emphasis, now later there's going to be this other guy...let's call him Kyo, just because he's totally hot like kyo sohma... and a bit violent...hehehe... Well, my friend Yuki moves away, and I was really, really sad... (I used to swear I was in love with him until...V) but I am also friends with Kyo...but Kyo and Yuki hated each other... mostly because Yuki was gay or bi or something...and that was just totally against Kyo's mindset "they should all just move to California and float away..."-not a pleasant evening...so anyways, it was always really difficult for me to be friends with them both... I mean even if I just mention one of them to the other they got all pist off and threw some what of a hissy fit...but now that Yuki's gone I thought, "well, this could be a good thing...since he's gone maybe I can be better friends with Kyo..." well...this idea did come true, but here's the thing, I get like seriously over emotional about things...and I get a little bit to emotionally attached, so now I'm afraid I'm going to start liking Kyo more than just a friend... I mean I still have my other friends, but he is the only guy I actually talk to now... and we do get along great!... but we also get into a lot of trouble as well, but we have fun doing so! Now, I just have to figure out...would it be to wierd if Kyo and I became more than friends...? or would everything be fine and I should just try to forget about how I use to have feelings for Yuki?

lest I forget the meaning of happiness...

I am the person, who thinks it is incredibly stupid to get involved with people and their problems...
and yet, I put myself in these situations.
I've never truly loved someone, in my entire life... I've never dated, or had a boyfriend... or even had my first kiss...
I know none of this is of any importance to anyone, but...
I can't help but to wonder...
is there truly someone out there...
for me?
and so, out of fear... I am now living a life of lies...