It's time for a change...

everyone I have ever known has their own way of doing things...when they come to a fork in a road they do different things...there are some who know where they're going and just continue on down the road...there are some that guess which path would fit them best...there are some that would just turn around and go back to where they came from...and then there's me...stuck right there in the middle of the road...basically scared to move forward and far to resistant to go back...you could compare this to many things in life....relationships, education, work, or hell! just life in general....but my thing is-I don't know what I want...I never realized until now that I was used to being told what was good for me....I mean of course there were the times when I ignored people and just did whatever the hell I wanted to...but atleast there was some input....being in college is kind of wierd because of this....the people around me haven't known me for that long...they can't tell when I'm freaking/sad/angry/straightuppissedoff!/moody/wierdedout/lonely/needmyspace/idk... and just think...that was all at once! I know I'm not always the most exciting person in the world...but atleast I can read the signs that I seriously need to think more about what I'm doing with my time....today I went to a GSA meeting (Gay-Straight-Alliance) to support my friends Bobby, Kitty, and M.....it was okay, but not something I think that I would have really done on my own....I love my friends! Understand that right now! but I'm just wondering what I'm really doing for myself right now....I've been painting a lot more often now....and I think that's how I'm getting a lot of emotions out and expressing them so that I can think straight...I'm homesick....I realize that now, because when I found out that there were no fireflys on campus for me to watch/catch I went back to my room and started a three part mural of a firefly, a dragonfly, and I don't know what to call the last panal....lol! I did this painting on the cardboard sidings that came on the mini-fridge that I bought for college....wow...but I guess it's good to laugh at yourself from time to time....it keeps things interesting atleast...I just feel...wierd...I guess....but what I need is to just be myself...I've kinda let myself get all caught up in trying to be (I guess) "too wierd" to realize that all I'm doing is forgetting the parts of me that like to take life slow and walk on the grass...that's one thing I've noticed here...you get wierd looks when you walk barefoot on your dorms lawn....hey! for what I'm paying...I should be able to roll in the stuff laughing my bum off...oh wait....I do that.....lol! but I have yet to drive on the sidewalk....it's on my "to do list"...today in walmart (or tonight I guess it would be) I noticed I probably have one of the most "unique!" tastes/preferences ever!....I notice this because the check out lady just looked at me and smiled when I told her that I came in for black ink for my printer and just had to get the some other things....she held up the movie of Sweeney Todd (to Jonathan ( I know it was you)-I guess you can keep my first copy....) and asked, "just incase?" I smiled, "I get bored...." the family behind me scooted back a few inches.....it was great! lol....that's what I like....the natural "I freak/creep you out!" part of life...so I guess the whole point to this post was just to figure out....I need to stop loosing sleep over the fact that I can only expect people to be people...and I can only accept the fact that I will be freaking wierd no matter what! which is good...because life would be to boring for everyone else....lol...I love it here!