Sunday, April 4, 2010

because I can't tell this to anyone...I'll share it with everyone...

it's that time of day when everyone is awake and has something to do...has somewhere to be...has someone to talk to...I started to think of purpose and found that a lot of things are meaningless to me...the things that have absolutely no effect on the outcome of my life....but it was in this state of mind that I realize...what if I am meaningless to the people around me...what if I wouldn't be missed when I left here...what if I was only to be forgotten...that's not going to happen...I know better than that...there are so many people in my life that I have hurt and have been hurt in return...but I have never hated them...even if they grew to hate me... "I want him to love me... but if he can't love me, I want him to hate me... if he can't hate me, I want him to kill me... and if he can't kill me, then I would know he loves me..."its these thoughts that keep me here...keep me waiting for the time when I will realize that this is where I belong and are meant to stay...growing up in a small town holds many advantages to a city...thats what I've always been told...but the only thing I find comforting is that its somewhat easier to be invisible...to not be counted as a statistic...its easier to walk to the edge and slip away unnoticed by everyone around you...in a city you're counted as a group...that group making up one individual that has no controversy of complaints of being different...when you have lived in "what a hometown should be" for your entire life...it criples you...starting off you learn to reject the different and embrace the small-minded-ness...wow...thats an understatement!....being different-in anyway at all-gives everyone a chance to mock or reject you...and whats sad is-at first I wanted to belong here....I tried so hard to fit in...but in the end it didn't matter....it wouldn't matter if I DIDN"T like being different or considered a freak...I still would be...I wasn't meant to fit in...but I wasn't meant to be ignored either...I was born to stand out....(why else would I be 6' ?)...I like to think that maybe I will be the change that will open other peoples eyes to their ignorance and foolishness of letting a time-old indifference rule their lives...it used to be that whenever I tried to speak out, it seemed like no one could here me...but lately...I know I've gotten the attention of some of the people that had no clue to my existance before hand...I know people expect many things of me...and sadly, one of those things is to keep quiet and pretend to be a good little school girl who loves everything and is obedient to authority and is only here to make others feel good about the llittle bubble they all live in....well....that bubble has atlast been completely filled with a cloudyness that will only turn into a fog of a desperation to live in the past...everything is constantly changing...thats how its suppose to be...you can still have your morals and values and use the term "everyday life"...but its time to be truthfull with ourselves...everyone is different...and anyone who doesn't think so needs to get a dictionary and look up the words "individuality" and "ignorance"....I will apologize if I have personally offended you by anything I have said here...but if you are offended, you have only offended me as well...for you have once again not seen what I have been trying to express to you for the better half of my life...again...and now with one final quote-"...and I'll make a wish...take a chance...make a change...and break away..." -I leave you with the contemplations I have presented you with here today......thank you for reading... ...-Jess